Sorry No More
Words Matter
The words that you communicate with tell more than just your message. These words also tell others about you and how you interact with your world. Here are some examples of the potential negative impact of over-apologizing:
- Tom works in an advertising agency where he was hired for his creativity and cutting-edge ideas. At brainstorming meetings, he often sits back while colleagues share ideas. He waits until he’s ready to share what he believes is something more powerful, creative and meaningful. When he presents his perspective, he always begins by saying, “I’m sorry guys, but what do you think of this idea?? Tom is consistently frustrated because his great ideas never get any traction. Tom feels the need to apologize because he’s not agreeing with the ideas of the group and yet, the group doesn’t spend time on Tom’s possibilities as he hesitantly presents an alternative viewpoint. Tom’s colleagues shut down their focus after they hear “I’m sorry, but? as they’re assuming the content is a mistake.
- Rebecca, an IT Manager with a team of five direct reports, starts most of her conversations or emails with “I’m sorry.? It may be “I’m sorry to bother you,? “I’m sorry that I need you to do this,? or “I’m sorry to disagree with you.? She is a highly competent IT professional. She can’t understand why her staff often leaves her projects and request to work with other managers. Her team members also leave the company at a higher level than any other manager. Rebecca’s direct reports have no confidence in her ability to stand up for them when it comes time to granting bonus pay and promotions. They feel that since she can’t be direct with them, she must not be direct with her peers and supervisors. She has no credibility as an assertive and confident advocate.
Impact or Lack Thereof
From the above examples, the overuse of “sorry? has significant repercussions. In Tom’s situation, his ideas are minimized. The message is lost by the way the messenger delivers it. Although his ideas are very good, most of his colleagues tune them out. If Tom apologizes for his own ideas, why should anyone else bother to listen?
Rebecca’s constant apologetic tone causes her direct reports to make the assumption that she is unable to be assertive in situations that impact them - therefore, they prefer not to have her as their leader. Others equate frequent apologizing with passivity. If she doesn’t stand up for herself, how will she stand up for anyone else?
Over-apologizing results in diminishing your impact and influence, a perceived lack of self-confidence, minimized expectations that others have of you, and also creates a general energy drain for those around you. If you find yourself in the role of apologizer more than you’d like, you can change.
When to Apologize
Not all apologizing is detrimental. If you bump in to a colleague in the hallway, by all means, say you’re sorry. If you make a mistake on a project, hurt someone’s feelings, forget an important appointment, or do something that you believe was genuinely wrong, do apologize.
In Marshall Goldsmiths’ book
About the author
Julie Cohen, PCC, is a career coach. She helps her clients clarify and achieve their professional and personal goals including greater career satisfaction and work/life balance. She is currently leading the popular seminar “Overcoming the 7 Barriers to Work/Life Balance” - to learn more, visit http://www.juliecohencoaching.com/7barriers/
Tags: advertising agency, advocate, bonus pay, colleagues, confidence, conversations, creativity, credibility, cutting edge, mistake, negative impact, peers, possibilities, promotions, rebecca, repercussions, share ideas, team members, traction, viewpoint
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